Colin Goh and Woo Yen Yen

The following was published in the Sunday Times on 9 August 2009:
A Modest Proposal for Singapore Teens
by Colin Goh

Since this is scheduled to run on National Day, I thought I’d write on something of national significance – you know, for a change.  And last week, when I opened my letterbox and saw the Baby Bonus application forms that my family back in Singapore had mailed me, I knew my topic had to be our country’s perennial baby deficit.

To wit, I’ve been noting over the years how the Gahmen keeps anguishing over the following issues: (1) that Singaporeans just aren’t having enough kids despite years of exhortations and financial incentives; (2) that too many of us are marrying late because we’re waiting for some mythical perfect spouse; and somewhat contradictorily, (3) how more and more teens are having sex.

Early one morning at 3 a.m., while changing Yakuza Baby’s diaper, it suddenly hit me: the solution to all 3 issues is (brace yourself) ENCOURAGE TEENAGE PREGNANCY.

Chope. Before you start writing irate letters to the Forum page, hear me out. I’m not suggesting some free-for-all shagathon. I think that the social taboos and ee-yur factor aside, teen pregnancy can be managed. I mean, we’re Singapore; social engineering is what we do.

Because deep down, don’t you think it’s ridiculous that we need babies so badly, but are hung up on some arbitrarily-decided age and a social convention like marriage? As long as our babies have people who care for their welfare and progress, does it matter that their procreators didn’t sumpah over a piece of paper at Fort Canning? Let me explain how I see it working:

(1) Encourage youngsters to have babies between 16-20.  Why not? Their raging hormones make them less than picky about partners, and they’re comparatively eng, with no careers to establish. And don’t give me that ‘but they must study’ nonsense.  We all know they already spend half their time trying to pak-tor (or worse, downloading porn), so we might as well channel it into more productive activities.  Anyway, your ancestors probably had you at this age, and what, you’re going to criticise Great Grandma?

(2) Kids between 16-20 will have parents who are roughly between the ages of 32-50, i.e. people who are still healthy, relatively stable in their career, and can therefore spare some time to help take care of the baby.  They might even have grandparents around, so potentially, the child-rearing burden can be shared between three generations.

(3) Young mums get paid to take care of their babies full-time for 2 years following their birth, at salaries comparable to full-time national servicemen.  Consider it ‘MS’ (Maternity Service). This would also ameliorate the resentment some men feel about their female peers getting the jump on them career-wise.

(4) Young dads continue to serve NS, which they’ll now do so much more willingly. I’m guessing here, but I think most guys would rather run and touch the occasional faraway tree than have to change diapers at 3 am every morning. And they’ll be given more bookout leave to visit Mummy and Baby too.

(6) Once both parents complete their MS/NS, they get a free university education. Why not? For some reason, we’re obsessed with wanting our graduates in particular to have kids, so why not just make those who have kids graduates?

(7) By the time teen parents graduate and enter the job market, their child would be ready for pre-school or even primary school, which will free them to concentrate more on their careers.

(8) Give teen parents, as well as their own parents, the usual tax breaks, financial incentives and statutorily-mandated extra leave each year, to help everyone shoulder the burden of the baby.

(9) What if teen mum and teen dad decide, post-baby, that, oops, they’re really not that into each other?  Not that big a deal, since the grandparents and great-grandparents are around to give, frankly, more mature support.  And what’s new about divorced or absentee parents anyway? You can’t shield kids from every unpleasantness in life.  Better for mummy and daddy to be freed to make more babies for the country.

(10) For any unfortunate unwanted kids, the appropriately-acronymed Ministry of Manpower (MOM) can set up CDCs (Child Deposit Centres) to pair them up with willing foster families or just bring ‘em up themselves.  We’re already called a ‘nanny state’ by some, why not turn it into an accolade?
But when I told the Wife about my brilliant initiative, she just patted my cheek and said, “Okay, so if your daughter gets knocked up in secondary school, I’ll tell her Daddy thinks you’re being patriotic?”  That kind of stumped me.

Then she added, “Clearly you’ve too much time to think.  Better take over the 5 a.m. bottle-feeding shift too.” I guess Mummy knows best.

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