Colin Goh and Woo Yen Yen

The following was published in the Sunday Times on 28 June 2009:

Multitasking Tips for Zombie Daddy
by Colin Goh

Last column, I described how I felt the routine of changing, feeding and soothing my newborn daughter in the wee hours of every morning was zombifying my brain. I then asked readers to send me any tips they might have for multitasking, to make my nightly grind more productive.

I received a good number of suggestions, but mostly a barrage of criticism along the lines of: Why on earth would you even want to multitask, you churlish, self-centred dolt?! You should be happy to focus all your attention on this lovely human being!

To which I can only throw up my hands and say: guilty as charged. I guess I got all kan cheong after reading in Wired magazine about a fellow named Ethan Nicholas who’s now making pots of money from an iPhone app he wrote while taking care of his infant son – cradling him with one hand, and coding with the other. Talk about ‘spoil market’!

The first multitasking suggestion I got came from a reader who told me she was able to read while feeding her baby, by turning the pages with her toes. I tried this out, and have the paper cuts on my feet to prove it.

In a similar vein, another reader shared with me how, by some judicious positioning of the baby’s head in the crook of his arm, and holding the bottle tilted backwards like a violin, he could feed his baby using only one hand, while freeing the other to Twitter or use the TV remote.

When the Wife saw me attempting to try this with Yakuza Baby, she threatened me with Jon and Kate-style proceedings.

“But one of my readers can do it!” I protested.

“Maybe he trained in some Chinese acrobatic troupe and can also spin plates from poles balanced on his nipples!” she barked. “Are you also going to try that, Mr. Unable-to-Assemble-An-Ikea-Bookcase-Without-A-First-Aid-Kit-On-Standby?” Point taken.

The next suggestion was submitted in one form or another by at least eight different readers: Use the opportunity to reflect, and think seriously about how you want to bring up your child, and maybe (softly) share your thoughts with her.

I tried this, and it yielded very interesting results. Interesting as in disturbing. After much reflection, I decided I wanted to give my little Yakuza Baby the same kind of loving, supportive upbringing I had, but that hopefully, she’d turn out completely different from me.

“If you get it into your head that you can have a career in the arts,” I shared (softly) with her, “you might find yourself one fine night holding your own baby and wondering not only how come you aren’t writing lucrative iPhone apps, but also how come you can’t afford an iPhone.”  I also began wondering what kind of boyfriend she’ll grow up to have and all the various ways I might intimidate him.

In the end, this well-intentioned exercise made me realize that it really isn’t a question of whether I will mess up my child, but how.  I recalled the wise words of the British poet Philip Larkin, who wrote: “They [four-letter word that is unprintable in a family newspaper] you up, your mum and dad/They may not mean to, but they do/They fill you with the faults they had/And add some extra, just for you.”

Probably the most practical suggestion came from several readers who told me: buy a sling or strappy baby carrier to free your hands, lah! The Wife did buy a sling, but unfortunately chose one made of warm fleece, which makes it useful for the winter months here in New York, but sheer torture for a half-man/half-polar bear like me, especially now during summer.  When I put it on, I immediately started sweating, and the sling became a sauna for Yakuza Baby.  A generous friend did send us a strappy carrier, which was a lot more comfortable, and also less ah soh-looking (an important consideration for daddies). Unfortunately, my tiny, premature daughter hasn’t yet hit the minimum recommended weight to use it, but it’s a matter of weeks. So I’m optimistic my travails will soon be ameliorated.

My favourite suggestion of all, however, came from Matthew Sng, who forwarded me a piece on Dr. Anthony Atala, an expert in regenerative medicine who made headlines in 2006 when he successfully grew human bladders in his lab, and is now trying to bio-engineer other organs. “Grow another arm!” was Matthew’s cheery accompanying message.

To me, growing extra limbs presents the ultimate solution to preventing my life from degenerating into a zombie movie. Sure, it’ll transform it into a mutant movie instead, but in my book, that’s progress.

Share on Facebook