September 6th, 2009 by Colin
The following was published in The Sunday Times on 6 September 2009 under the title ‘Trick or Teat’:
Losing the Battle of the Bottle
by Colin Goh
I guess all parents expect to fight with their kids at some point. I just didn’t figure on entering into mortal combat with my daughter when she was just three months of age.
And losing.
August 23rd, 2009 by Colin
The following was published in the Sunday Times on 23 August 2009:
Talk to me, baby
by Colin Goh
We’ve been calling our daughter ‘Yakuza Baby’ (for latecomers to this column, she popped out during a Japanese gangster movie) for so long, I wouldn’t have been surprised if her first words were, “Mise mo nee yo, kono yarou?” (The Yakuza equivalent of “Kuah si mi?” or “Whatcha lookin’ at?”)
So I was somewhat surprised when it turned out to be, “Hawr.” Continue Reading »
August 9th, 2009 by Colin
The following was published in the Sunday Times on 9 August 2009:
A Modest Proposal for Singapore Teens
by Colin Goh
Since this is scheduled to run on National Day, I thought I’d write on something of national significance – you know, for a change. And last week, when I opened my letterbox and saw the Baby Bonus application forms that my family back in Singapore had mailed me, I knew my topic had to be our country’s perennial baby deficit.
To wit, I’ve been noting over the years how the Gahmen keeps anguishing over the following issues: (1) that Singaporeans just aren’t having enough kids despite years of exhortations and financial incentives; (2) that too many of us are marrying late because we’re waiting for some mythical perfect spouse; and somewhat contradictorily, (3) how more and more teens are having sex.
Early one morning at 3 a.m., while changing Yakuza Baby’s diaper, it suddenly hit me: the solution to all 3 issues is (brace yourself) ENCOURAGE TEENAGE PREGNANCY.
Continue Reading »
July 26th, 2009 by Colin
The following was published in the Sunday Times on 26 July 2009:
Feeling the heat over a hot babe
by Colin Goh
Corrigenda: In my last column, I described how my Mother-in-Law had advised the Wife to avoid eating yams during the postnatal confinement period, because “people say sekali the baby’s down there will be itchy.” According to my Mother-in-Law, however, I misheard her: in fact, it is the mother’s down there that will allegedly be afflicted. She wishes me to correct this immediately, lest “people” think she has been dispensing erroneous advice. Yam-lovin’ mummies, you’ve been warned!
If I were ever to have a superhero name, I’d be Kancheongspider-Man.
Because, as I’m learning, dealing with a newborn baby is an enterprise fraught with anxiety. With every little thing you do, you hear a tiny imp whispering in your ear, “You’re doing it wrong. You’re going to ruin this child forever. You’re going to make her (pick any one of the following or feel free to substitute a catastrophe of your own choosing): cross-eyed/bow-legged/botak/stay back one year in kindergarten/ineligible to get into an Ivy League university.”
I’ve been feeling especially uneasy of late, which I think has something to do with all these mainland Chinese women staring daggers at the Wife and me as we trundle Yakuza Baby about.
Continue Reading »
July 12th, 2009 by Colin
The following was published in The Sunday Times on 12 July 2009:
Confounded by confinement
by Colin Goh
I must confess my surprise at the amount of mail my recent pieces about the arrival of my daughter have garnered. Are my accounts of grappling with a baby touching some kind of chord? Or do people just like knowing that I’m suffering?
Either way, I’m grateful for the advice many of you seem to want to share with me. Certain recommendations, however, instead of providing solutions, have raised even more questions – mainly about the confinement period.
Continue Reading »
June 28th, 2009 by Colin
The following was published in the Sunday Times on 28 June 2009:
Multitasking Tips for Zombie Daddy
by Colin Goh
Last column, I described how I felt the routine of changing, feeding and soothing my newborn daughter in the wee hours of every morning was zombifying my brain. I then asked readers to send me any tips they might have for multitasking, to make my nightly grind more productive.
Continue Reading »
June 14th, 2009 by Colin
The following was published in the Sunday Times on 14 June 2009:
Zombie Daddy Wants to Pick Your Brains
by Colin Goh
First things first: thank you for the deluge of emails in response to my last column, about my struggles with the contents of my newborn daughter’s diaper. I was heartened to hear so many of you confirm that the traditional ‘shee-shee’ potty training technique works. I was particularly amused to receive emails from several Teochew readers bemoaning the aural similarity between the Teochew word for sleep (‘ngh’) and the, um, pre-pooping grunt. I guess we Teochews know something about diapers – after all, that ancient bit of doggerel, ‘Teochew nang, ka-chng ang-ang’ (‘Teochew people, their buttocks are red’), must have come from somewhere.
A good number of you also sent ‘so what’s fatherhood like outside of diaper-changing?’ queries. To which I can say, my experience is like something out of the movies.
Specifically, zombie movies.
Continue Reading »
May 31st, 2009 by Colin Goh and Yen Yen Woo
The following was published in the Sunday Times on 31 May 2009:
Sunday Times 31 May 2009
Poop Patrol
by Colin Goh
For those of you who’ve ever felt that your life is just an endless stream of crap, well, you’re not alone. Because that’s exactly how I’m finding the fatherhood experience. Literally.
Continue Reading »
May 17th, 2009 by Colin Goh and Yen Yen Woo
The following was published in The Sunday Times on 17 May 2009:
Sunday Times 17 May 2009
Past Imperfect, Future Tense
by Colin Goh in New York
“I think I’m going to be a useless parent,” I told the Wife last week.
“Is that a supposition or a statement of intent?” she replied, eyebrows knit with alarm. “I warn you, ah: don’t think you can siam changing diapers.”
“Premonition, lah,” I sighed. We were sitting in the neonatal intensive care unit spending time with Yakuza Baby (so nicknamed because, as explained in the last column, she came into the world while we were watching a Japanese gangster movie).
My sense of foreboding arose after it struck me how different our daughter’s life would be from either the Wife’s or mine. I know all kids grow up in ways their parents can never fully anticipate - I doubt my dad ever foresaw his son forging a career consisting of long stretches spent accessing a parallel universe through a keyboard and screen – but what lies ahead for Yakuza Baby seemed especially opaque to me.
Continue Reading »
May 3rd, 2009 by Colin
The following was published in the Sunday Times on 3 May 2009:
Sunday Times 3 May 2009
I Give Up!
by Colin Goh
To cope with the new addition to our family, I’m having to make a few subtractions.
Even without factoring in Yakuza Baby (as we’ve taken to calling our newborn daughter, since the Wife gave birth to her while we were in the middle of watching a Japanese gangster film), the economy, like some wrathful elder god, is demanding sacrifices, virgin or otherwise. (More likely the latter, because I understand the former are in short supply these days.)
“The bad economy has already caused two of our projects to be postponed till next year, and even the fees for my column kena potong as part of cost-cutting measures. Then there are lagi all these baby supplies! We need to cut back,” I told the Wife as I scrutinized my credit card statement. “What can we give up?”
Continue Reading »
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